If you fall into that tiny percentage of internet connected humans that hasn’t yet started a blog (or you’re looking to start another), listen up.

I’ve got 5 completely uninspiring and foolproof ways to make sure that you don’t generate good content for your blog on anything resembling a regular basis.

1. Name the posts page “Articles” instead of “Blog”

   Using the word “articles” makes you sound really smart. Newspapers and magazines have articles. Professional writers write articles.

   Also, by calling them articles, you’re implying that each post will be somewhat lengthy. This will discourage you from posting anything that doesn’t seem long enough to be considered an article.

   If you have enough free time to be constantly writing articles you may need to go a step further and call your posts “white papers” or “novellas”. For most people though, “articles” should be enough to keep that good content at bay.

2. Don’t ever look at your site

   Any time you’re in front of a computer or other internet-enabled device, resist the urge to look at your site. If you don’t look at it, you won’t see how old the most recent article is, so you won’t feel the need to post anything new. If you’re not having these urges, you can sit back, ignore the rest of this list and relax. You’re well ahead of the game. Pull up your FarmVille account, buy yourself a couple of flying squirrels and plant some sagebrush to celebrate. You’ve earned it.

3. Shoot down all ideas before they gain momentum

   Ideas are like a cancer. They usually start out small and, if treated right away, can be completely destroyed without a trace. Let one rattle around in your head for too long and you may start having other, separate ideas. They can grow exponentially, feeding off one another and before you know it, you’re overwhelmed by a full-on brain storm (this is bad).

   Protip: If you find yourself lost in a brain storm, simply say “No!” out loud every time you feel a new idea about to form. When there are no ideas left, spin around 3 times (counter-clockwise) and then watch any of the cable news networks for at least an hour (just to be sure).

4. Don’t set any goals

   Not setting goals is one of my go-to list items. If you ever want to not do something or have something (or a whole bunch of somethings) not happen, not having a goal will get you 90% of the way there. The other 10% is 100% pure, all-American uninitiative. Look it up.

5. Don’t have a topic

   This one may seem obvious but most people ignore it. Make your blog about EVERYTHING. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but think about it. If your blog is about everything, then in a way it’s about NOTHING (in particular). It will be less likely to resonate with any particular audience and it’ll be much easier to shoot down ideas (if you’re having them).

   Whenever you feel an idea coming on, ask yourself “Does this have anything to do with what my site is about?” to which you will respond “Well, what is my site about?” You’ll think about that for a second and the only thing you’ll be able to come up with is, “I have no idea”. So logically, if you have “no idea”, you can’t very well have an idea for a blog post.

   Note: The above conversation with yourself may continue but that is beyond the scope of this discussion. Seek medical treatment for any ideas lasting longer than 4 hours.